


Since That Day

by KJ (AryaStarkLovesWholock)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Break Up, Cute, Death, F/F, Haunted by the past, Romance, Sad, Trauma, anxious, im sorry for killing anya I promise to never do it again, im sorry it's that sad, very sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2019-07-15 13:53:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16064480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AryaStarkLovesWholock/pseuds/KJ
Summary: 3 years ago Lexa Woods left Clarke and her friends behind for an unknown reason, not even saying goodbye. Clarke was heartbroken and didn't expect to see Lexa again. She was just a ghost of the past.College was supposed to be the start of something new. Clarke is determined to make the best out of it and with her friends she's excited to start college. That is until Lexa turns out to be Raven's roommate. Shocking not only Clarke but her friends as well.Why does Lexa go by a different name? Why did she leave Clarke? Will Clarke ever forgive Lexa even if Lexa could never forgive herself?





	1. The Start

**Author's Note:**

> I've read soo many Clexa fanfics by now that I've decided to make my own. I'm not sure where it's going yet but i've got some ideas in mind. I'd also like to see if anyone even likes it and wants me to continue, so feel free to sent me a review! :)
> 
> !!! English is not my first language so I hope there aren't too many grammar problems in this story. !!!

**Chapter 1**

“I bet this is going to be so much fun” Octavia excitedly said as they entered the dorm room. Clarke and Octavia had been incredibly lucky to be each other’s roommates. So when they found out they couldn’t be happier.

“Except for all the studying” Clarke noted as they both claimed a bed and started unpacking their things.

“But the PARTIES CLARKE!!” Octavia nearly yelled, Clarke knew Octavia had been excited about college parties since they were in high school. Admittedly Clarke also was very curious about it, she might have not been as excited as Octavia but college parties were part of the ride. She couldn’t wait to make new memories and possibly forget a few. College was supposed to be a new start, a new start with her best friends. That did not sound bad to Clarke at all.

“I wonder how Raven is doing with her roommate” Clarke shrugged, Raven hadn’t had the luck of having a roommate she knew. Unlike Octavia and Clarke who both still couldn’t believe they were roommates.

“I still think it’s the weirdest thing that Raven only got the girl’s last name.” Octavia realized as she put her clothes in a closet in the room. Clarke nodded.

“The girl might be very private, maybe she has a rich family who doesn’t really want people to know one of the family members is studying here” The college was a good college but definitely not a school where rich people would put their children.

“As long as she’s not a snob! Imagine befriending a rich girl, she could help us host parties” Octavia grinned mischievously. Clarke put away the last of her belongings and turned to Octavia with a raised eyebrow.

“I didn’t realize we are going to host parties now”

“Oh come on! Don’t ruin the fun! It’s college” then at the same time their phone pinged. They both grabbed their own phone to find out Raven had sent a text message in their group chat.

**Raven: Guys can we get some food I AM HUNGRY**

"Why did I not expect anything else” Clarke laughed, Octavia smiled as she quickly sent a reply.

**Octavia: We just finished unpacking! Let’s meet in the cafeteria?**

**Raven: Meet you there!**

Both girls quickly made their way over to the cafeteria. Raven already was waiting for them at a table. When she saw her friends she excitedly waved them over!

“Guys have you heard about the tech lab in this school?” Raven asked them, she had already got her food.

“No but I suppose there’s a tech lab?” Clarke guessed the obvious. Raven nodded excitedly.

“Yeah! And students are allowed there after classes to work on projects, how cool is that” she stuffed a fry into her mouth. “I’m happy for you!” Clarke smiled before she and Octavia grabbed some food for themselves and properly sat down with their friend.

“so how’s the roommate?” Octavia asked Raven. Raven shrugged a bit before eating some more food.

“Honestly I haven’t seen her. Seems like she had already unpacked her stuff before me” Raven honestly replied.

“Ooh that’s very mysterious” Octavia smirked.

“Look who we have here!” Before the three girls knew what was going on Jasper and Monty had joined their table.

“You guys already settled in?” Monty asked. The girls smiled at the boys, their group was nothing without these two.

“We are talking about Raven’s mysterious roommate” Clarke said. Jasper and Monty shared a look before they both turned to Raven.

“A mysterious roommate… cool! Can you get us her number?” They grinned. Raven frowned.

“You don’t even know who she is” “Doesn’t matter, I like mysterious people” Jasper smiled.

“Like that other mysterious girl?” Monty grinned before Jasper jokingly smacked him on his shoulder.

“She will be my girlfriend I will tell you this” Clarke and the other girls were confused now, were they still talking about Raven’s roommate?

“Who are we talking about now?” Clarke asked, with Jasper and Monty something was always happening.

“When we walked out of our room Jasper bumped into this ‘mysterious’ girl and he’s totally into her” Monty explained

“I already have her name and I only just met her so seems like it’s very much possible for her to be my girlfriend” Jasper smiled proudly.

“oooh you know her name how special” Octavia teased him making them all laugh.

“Shut up we had a connection I can feel it”

“You had a connection” Raven grinned as if she was talking to her younger brother who was telling her about his first crush. Jasper just sent a glare her way.

“What was her name anyway?” Clarke asked curiously, she was happy for Jasper.

“Maya” he smiled proudly.

“Wouldn’t it be a nice surprise if Maya turns out to be my roommate?” Raven realized.

“That would be a big coincidence” Octavia tuned in.

“Well if Maya is your roommate then you should tell me immediately!” Jasper grinned suddenly really excited about something that might not even happen.

“Anyway I’ll go and see if my roommate has finally returned to our dorm” Raven concluded as she stood up and gathered her left over food to throw it away.

“Remember movie night at Clarke and I’s room tonight!” Octavia called out after Raven when she walked away. The group all ate the rest of their food and once they had finished Clarke and Octavia went back to their dorm to chill for the rest of the day, mentally preparing themselves for the upcoming semester.

 

-

 

“Maybe we should start movie night this year with bringing back nostalgia, lets watch a Disney movie?” Clarke suggested as she was laying on her bed trying to think about what they all should watch tonight.

“We’ll have to suggest it to the others” Octavia answered from her side of the room, she was sat on her bed texting her brother Bellamy.

“GUYS” a random voice called out followed by hard knocks on their dorm room. Clarke quickly sat up right and Octavia opened the door to see what’s up. They discovered that Raven was standing in the doorway. Raven looked out of breath as if she had run towards their dorm. Once the door was open Raven stormed into the room immediately going over to Clarke and stopping right in front of her.

“You won’t believe who my roommate is” Raven said looking terrifyingly serious. Clarke got the chills, who could make Raven this serious about a roommate?

“Is it your dad or something because you look way too shocked” Octavia noticed. Raven shook her head. Not even acknowledging the joke and staying dead serious.

“Of course it’s not my dad! It’s uh…”Raven looked over at Clarke, as if she was unsure if she really should tell her.

“Who is it then?” Clarke really wanted to know it now.

“It’s Lexa” Raven whispered loud enough for her friends to hear. Clarke froze. No. This was not possible at all, it couldn’t be.

“Not Lexa Woods right?” Clarke asked, her voice wavering a little. Raven sent her a sad look before nodding yes. It was Lexa Woods… her Lexa… She shook her head no, not her Lexa. Lexa wasn’t hers.

“But I thought they had told you the last name of your roommate was Richards?” Octavia realized just as much in shock as the other two girls were.

“I don’t know why her surname is different. As soon as I entered the room I saw her sitting on her bed. Before I could even ask something she had already left the dorm. I am certain she recognized me though” Raven explained a little. Of course she would’ve recognized Raven. They had been close friends a few years back.

“I’m going to hunt her down” Octavia suddenly said, a glare developing on her face as she tried to make her way to the door. Raven quickly stopped her by standing in the doorway while Clarke was still frozen to her spot.

“No, you’re not” Raven said. Octavia was angry now,

“You know what that bitch did to Clarke” she yelled out. Clarke flinched. She slowly felt old memories starting to resurface. She blinked rapidly and quickly blocked out the memories before she fell back into the hole that came by remembering those times. She forced her legs to move and quickly went over to Octavia.

“It’s been years O, let it go” Clarke calmly said, Octavia angrily looked over to Clarke but once she saw how calm Clarke was and how she knew Clarke was trying to do everything from remembering those times, she slowly calmed down.

“I don’t want you to get hurt again Clarke” Octavia told her friend. Clarke nodded “I know” she hugged Octavia.

“Oi! I’m not third wheeling” Raven exclaimed before nearly jumping on her friends and joining in the hug.

“We should just let it go for now, maybe she’ll have forgotten us anyway” Clarke said, letting go of the hug.

“How could anyone forget us” Raven said, before she seemed to realize something.

“Maybe we should watch a Disney movie, those always make things better” Clarke sent Raven a small smile, both of them knew it was a fake one but they didn’t want to continue the Lexa subject. Lexa was a thing of the past and they were in the now.

 

/-/

 

Raven Reyes was her roommate! Raven REYES was her roommate! RAVEN REYES! Lexa could feel the anxiety building up in her.

This wasn’t good. She felt a panic attack coming up. If Raven was here then the others must be too. Clarke was possibly here! Clarke?! She hadn’t seen Clarke in 3 years. She knew it was 3 years because she had counted every day since she left. It had been the longest 3 years of her life. Lexa knew exactly where she was going right now, her legs could walk the way even when asleep. She NEEDED to talk to Anya.

Her breathing became unsteady and she desperately tried to calm herself to prevent the panic attack that was about to happen. Raven Reyes couldn’t be her roommate… but she was. Lexa groaned inwardly, she should’ve gone to a college way further into the country. She was already at risk here at this college but especially with her old friends and Clarke here her cover might be quickly discovered. She made a mental note to call Titus about the witness protection program.

Before she knew it she had arrived at her destination. She was glad it wasn’t a long walk from her college. She made her way through the gate and walked over to where she knew Anya was. She was hyperventilating now, she stopped in front of the gravestone. Before any words came out she broke down in front of it.

“Anya” she said in between deep breaths. This wasn’t going well. Lexa knew she needed to stop panicking.

“Anya” she called out again, as if she needed her sister to calm her down. She looked at the gravestone, Anya’s name written on it. The flower in front of it was only a few days old but it already showed signs of decomposing.

Then suddenly out of nowhere a sense of calmness fell over Lexa. Her breathing slowly steadied and she started to calm down. Once Lexa was sure the panic was gone she sighed. She still felt so much anxiety in her chest that she knew wouldn’t just leave but she already felt better than a few minutes ago.

“Clarke is back” Lexa spoke to the gravestone.

“I haven’t seen her yet, but Raven is my roommate” She smiled sadly, Lexa knew how much Anya had liked Raven. They always goofed around and Lexa was sure there had been a spark between the two. A few days before Lexa and Anya had left Anya even had been on a date with Raven, their first date… and their last. Lexa’s heart broke when she realized she should probably tell Raven about Anya, she owed Raven that.

“I don’t know what to do” Lexa spoke, she knew that wasn’t true at all. If Anya had been here she would’ve told Lexa exactly what she should do – Call Titus. Lexa drew her phone out of her pocket and dialed Titus phone number. She brought the device to her ear and waited for him to answer.

 _‘Lexa?’_ Titus sounded a little confused, it had been months since Lexa had called him.

“Hey” She answered, trying to think how she was going to tell this. Titus noticed the silence.

 _‘Did something happen?’_ Oh only my friends and ex who I’m not supposed to see because it might be dangerous for them happened Lexa thought to herself.

“Have you already found Nia?” Lexa asked trying to sound like she was only checking up on the case.

 _‘You know I’m not supposed to give you any details about the case Lexa’_ Titus answered honestly, Lexa nodded before realizing he couldn’t see that.

“Clarke is here” There. She said it.

 _‘At your new school?’_ Titus’ voice was soft, he knew all about Clarke through Lexa.

“Yes, actually, I’m roommates with one of her friends” Lexa explained leaving out the fact that Raven had been her friend as well.

 _‘Do you want to go to a different college? Or I can make sure you get a different roommate?’_ There was no hurtful intention in Titus’ voice, he just wanted make sure Lexa was okay in the only way he could.

“No” Lexa said quickly, maybe too quickly.  “I need to know if the case is moving along so I-“ Lexa stopped herself, but Titus finished her sentence.

 _‘So you can go back to Clarke?’_ Lexa was silent, she wanted to go back to Clarke, she has wanted to go back since the day she left but she couldn’t go back.

 _‘Lexa, you know it might endanger Clarke. We don’t know if Nia’s got any undercover spies following you. They can’t know about the people you care about’_ Because otherwise they could be killed… like Anya.

“I know” Lexa silently said.

So she should try to avoid Clarke, how was she going to do that if Raven was her roommate?

 _‘Do you want me to change your roommate so there’s less chance you walk into Clarke?’_ Titus asked, saying what Lexa had been thinking. Yes is what she should say. She shouldn’t endanger Clarke and the others for something as stupid as being roommates with Raven. She shouldn’t be near any of them. To be completely save she should even go to a different college. Lexa looked at the gravestone, this is what Nia did to Anya. For 3 years it had haunted her. She had tried to use her head over her heart. Logic above love, love IS weakness. Yet for the first time in 3 years Lexa decided to be selfish.

“No” Lexa answered Titus, she didn’t need another roommate.


	2. Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa thinks about her last memory of Clarke before her life turned into hell. Meanwhile, Clarke meets up with her friends.

**Chapter 2**

 

When Lexa went back to her dorm Raven wasn't there yet. She was glad about it, she wanted to delay the confrontation as much as possible. 

It already was very late so Lexa decided to get ready for bed and sleep, knowing perfectly well that she'd delay the confrontation even more like this. Nevertheless, Lexa couldn't sleep, she lay in bed awake thinking about how she would react to seeing Clarke for the first time in years. Would she run? Would she go and talk to her? Would she just ignore her? 

and how was Clarke going to react? They hadn't fought the last time they saw each other, it was actually really nice. A small smile developed on Lexa's face as she remembered the last time she saw Clarke. 

 

_"Who do you think they kill off in Infinity War" Lexa asked throwing popcorn at Clarke who grinned and caught it before disposing it in her mouth._

_"Who says they'll kill off anyone? I'm sure they all get a happy ending, especially when Tony adopts Peter"  Clarke grinned._

_"Always the positive thinker, you make it sound like a fanfic" Lexa smiled. They watched as the end credits of Guardians of The Galaxy Volume 2 rolled off the screen, waiting for the end credit scene. Both cuddling together on the couch was one of Lexa's favorite memories with Clarke._

_"Don't worry i'll be there next year supporting you if they kill of one of the baes"  Clarke promised. Lexa gave her a quick peck on her lips  "We'll be there supporting each other"_

_"if they kill Tony Stark i'll riot" Clarke exclaimed. Suddenly Lexa's phone rang, she got it out of her pocket and saw it was Anya. She got up from the sofa leaving a pouting Clarke behind who didn't want Lexa's warmth to leave her. Lexa jokingly sent her a wink before answering the phone._

 

_"Hey sis" Lexa said, Clarke stuck out her tongue trying to make Lexa laugh.  Lexa smiled._

_'Lexa, come home now!' Anya called out with a slight sound of panic in her voice. Her voice sent shivers down her body, it reminded her of when their parents died and Anya had called her when she was over at her friend's house. There had been way more panic in her voice back then so Lexa decided to not think about something terrible happening. She was sure Anya was fine, nevertheless, she checked up on her._

_"Are you okay?" Lexa asked concerned._

_'Lex, please just come home. I need you' Anya said urgently. Lexa frowned, Clarke noticed the sudden change in mood and got up from the couch to get closer._

_"Okay, I'm on my way. This better not be about a spider that you need rescuing from" Lexa warned her sister. She knew it wasn't about a spider, she just hoped it would easen up the mood a little._

_'See you soon' Anya said before cutting of the phone call. Lexa shared a concerned and slightly confused look with Clarke. Clarke wasn't stupid, she had known Lexa and Anya long enough to know this wasn't just a normal phone call._

_"Is she okay?" Clarke asked. Lexa genuinely didn't know the answer to that._

_"i have no clue, do you think something with Raven happened?"  Lexa wondered out loud, she started moving around Clarke's room gathering her stuff. Anya had only been on one date with Raven so far but could something already have happened?_

_"Raven told me the date went really well so I doubt it" Clarke handed Lexa her coat. She looking worried just like Lexa._

_"Thanks" Lexa smiled before quickly giving Clarke another peck on her lips._

_She made her way towards the door._

_"Are we still on for tomorrow night?" Clarke asked her girlfriend. Lexa turned around to Clarke._

_"Of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world"  Lexa smiled before leaving the room not realizing that would be the last thing she would say to Clarke in a long time._

 

Lexa heard the door of her dorm open, as on instinct she immediately closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. She didn't want to confront Raven just yet. 

"Lexa? Are you still awake?" She heard Raven whisper just loud enough for her to hear. She didn't react and continued to fake sleeping. Lexa heard Raven sigh before there were some sounds indicating Raven was probably getting ready to go to bed as well. Lexa hated what she was feeling. There was so much anxiety build up in her chest about having to confront Raven and possibly Clarke as well. She felt like such a disappointment for not telling them anything sooner but she knew that if she could change that, she still wouldn't do it.

There's so much danger that comes with telling her old friends about what happened, especially when the one who started it all is still on the loose and possible spying on her. What has her life become? After a while which felt like forever, Lexa finally fell asleep.

 

/-/

 

Every time someone entered the eating area Clarke checked if it was Lexa or not. She couldn't help it, ever since she knew Lexa lived on campus with one of her best friends she kept looking for her everywhere. She didn't want to admit that she really wanted to see Lexa. How could she not after everything that happened?  Her looks didn't go unnoticed though.

"Clarke" Octavia said gaining her attention. Her friend sent her a concerned look. 

"Are you okay? You look kinda off today" Octavia knew exactly what Clarke had been doing. She knew Lexa was a sore spot, especially now she seemed to be back. 

"It's nothing" Clarke forced herself to eat the food that was in front of her. She really wasn't hungry at all but she needed to eat. 

"It's Lexa isn't it?" At the sound of Lexa's name Clarke locked eyes with Octavia, confirming Octavia's thoughts. Before Clarke could answer Monty chimed in.

"Who's Lexa?" Monty had never known Lexa as he became a part of their friend group a year after Lexa had left. By then there was an unspoken promise between Clarke and her best friends to never bring Lexa up in a conversation, for Clarke's sake. Now that Lexa seemed to be back that promise seemed have disappeared into thin air.

"Lexa is my ex" Clarke explained to Monty acting as if saying her name didn't matter. But it did, every time Clarke said her name she felt like it was reopening the empty Lexa shape hole in her heart. 

"She's Raven's roommate" Octavia joined in. 

"Lexa is Raven's mystery roommate?'' Monty frowned, Clarke just nodded. Then as if being summoned by the mention of her name Raven showed up.

"Hey guys" She sat down among her friends with her food seeming like her normal bubbly self. Everyone looked at her. 

"What?" She frowned confused.   
"Have you talked to Lexa?"Octavia asked getting straight to the point. Raven looked at Clarke to check if she was okay speaking about Lexa before saying: "No, yesterday when I came back she already was asleep and this morning she was already gone before I woke up. Seems like she's an early bird" 

This confused Clarke, Lexa wasn't an early bird. Or at least she wasn't when they dated. She remembers Lexa always wanting to sleep in, they had even spent days in bed together just cuddling and watching movies neither of them wanting to get back to the real world. 

"I wonder if Anya is around as well" Raven silently said, Clarke sent her an understanding smile. 

"Well you know, where Lexa is, is Anya" Octavia told Raven giving her hope. Monty was confused again, he had never heard of an Anya either.

"Who's Anya?" He questioned carefully not knowing if this was a hurtful topic or not. Raven smiled remembering the girl on who she had a huge crush.

"Lexa's sister, Raven went on a date with her a couple of years ago" Octavia explained, stuffing some food into her mouth. Raven nodded along, smiling before saying

"To this day that has been the best date I have ever been on" 

"Oi!" Jasper yelled at Raven, Raven just stuck her tongue out to him. They had been on a date together a year ago but they quickly decided to just stay friends.

Jasper jokingly rolled his eyes "Anya must be pretty impressive is she beats my date with you then" 

"Yeah she is" Raven winked. 

"speaking of dates, Jasper how is your thing with Maya going?" Clarke decided to change the topic. Lexa was a thing of her past and speaking so openly about it brought back a lot of unwanted feelings. Jasper's eyes lit up.

"Her laptop isn't working so she asked if I could fix it" He spoke excitedly. 

"Can you fix her laptop though?" Monty grinned. They all knew Jasper and fixing things didn't go well together at all. 

"I'm sure it's not that difficult" He shrugged. 

Someone new entered the large room, automatically Clarke checked if it was Lexa, which it wasn't. It was a man with light brown skin, he was bald but it didn't make him ugly at all. It looked quite good, his muscles were visible through his shirt, it was obvious that he trained a lot. Not interested Clarke tried to focus on the conversation in front of her. Monty and Jasper were now gently shoving each other and it seemed like Raven was joking along. 

  
"Damn" Clarke heard Octavia say. Octavia had noticed the new man as well. Clarke knew her friend well enough to know that guy was definitely her type. Octavia stood up, Clarke's eyes widening. She wasn't going to do what she thought she would do right?"

"Octavia-" Clarke said before Octavia cut her off.

"Wish me luck" She grinned completely ignoring Clarke before she made her way over to the guy who was now standing in the queue of the cafeteria waiting to get some food. Clarke watched amused as her friend introduced herself to the guy. He seemed surprised at first but it seemed like they quickly were into a serious conversation. 

'that's very impressive' Clarke thought, she watched them hoping that someday she'd had the balls to just go up to someone to flirt. It wasn't like she was scared or anything, it's just that she didn't want to get hurt, not again.

 

 


	3. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is forced to open up to Raven if they want to be normal roommates. Also Clarke (and Octavia) may or may not go to Raven and Lexa's dorm room.

Lexa was making her way to her dorm. This morning she woke up before Raven did, which she was very thankful about. It honestly didn't surprise her that she had woken up so early. Ever since Anya died she has been haunted by nightmares and night terrors which led to her sleeping barely or not at all. Waking up early made Lexa discover how much more time you have in a day, now she could go on a run and afterwards shower and get breakfast and the day would have barely started at all, meaning she could still do whatever she wants. She was hoping Raven wasn't in their dorm yet, the first day of classes had just ended for Lexa and she was trying to avoid Raven as much as possible.

Her plan was to drop off her books and check on the gym they had on campus, she had heard a lot about it and she wanted to see it with her own eyes. She opened the door and immediately noticed Raven was there, sitting on her bed doing something on her phone. She looked up when Lexa entered the room and just stared at her.

"Lexa" she awkwardly spoke.

"Raven" Lexa walked towards her desk and unpacked her bag. She felt Raven's eyes on her the whole time. Should she tell Raven about Anya now? It wasn't fair to keep it a secret, especially not to someone who had meant a lot to Anya. Anya would want Raven to know.

Lexa sighed and made her way over to her own bed, when she finally had gathered enough confidence she looked up to Raven and they made eye contact. As if Raven was waiting for her to say something.

"I'm sorry" Lexa started honestly not sure how she was going to tell any of this.

"I'm not the one you should say sorry to" her voice was gentle and it didn't sound harsh at all, it sounded like she was stating a fact which it was. Yet it hurt Lexa to hear that, Raven was obviously talking about Clarke and she knew she owed Clarke an apology, the biggest apology ever. But she couldn't do that.

"I'm sorry for what I'm about to tell you" Lexa continued, acting as if Raven's comment hadn't hurt her. Raven's face slowly turned into a confused one. Lexa hated what she was about to say. Even now, three years later it was very difficult for her to talk about this. And this time she knew it was going to hurt Raven, she didn't want to hurt Raven but she had to tell her.

"I need to tell you something about Anya"

silence. thousands of variations of those few words 'she is dead' flew through Lexa's mind, wanting to choose the most gentle one but nothing did justice.

"Oh what? she married some hot chick and lives a happy life now?" Raven downplayed the situation, obviously reading it wrong. Lexa knew that she had abandoned Clarke years ago but Anya had abandoned Raven, both friends never knowing what happened to their significant others. She acted like it didn't do anything but Lexa saw the jealousy and hurt in her eyes, even though the situation hadn't even been confirmed yet.

"I wish" Lexa silently said, if that had been the case Anya would be alive and to Lexa that would be the best thing ever. How could such simple words be so difficult to say?

"I can't tell you about how it happened but-" now was the time.

"She's gone" Lexa breathed knowing those still weren't the words she needed to say to Raven, but she was getting closer. One step at the time. Raven's reaction surprised Lexa, she just rolled her eyes.

"She abandoned you too?" Raven didn't sound bitter, Lexa did detect a sign of pity in her voice. Raven still had absolutely no clue about what Lexa was getting at.

"She's dead" She said it. Lexa wanted to roll up into a ball and not talk for the rest of the day. She said what she needed to say, those difficult, horrible words.

"W-what" Lexa's heart broke when she heard Raven's voice tremble. She hated this so much. If there was anything she could do to get Anya back she would do it, but she couldn't.

"I'm sorry" Lexa felt tears gathering in her eyes and she quickly tried to blink them away, this was all getting too much. Every time something emotionally draining happened she went to Anya, talking to her at the cemetery was calming because she knew wherever Anya was, she would be listening.

"I can bring you to her if you want?" Raven didn't answer, her face was emotionless as if she was still processing it, there was one single tear running down her cheek. She nodded. Lexa stood up from her bed and Raven silently followed her.

They walked to the cemetery which was a short ten-minute walk. Neither of they talked, both thinking about Anya. They stopped in front of her gravestone. Lexa watched as Raven kneeled down next to it, tracing Anya's name that was carved into the stone with her fingertips. Her fingers moved to the date she was born and then to her death date just below it.

"It happened a few days after..." Raven's voice broke when she read the date.

"After you date with her" Lexa finished her sentence. Raven silently sobbed, sounding like she was trying really hard to prevent any sobs from coming out.

Lexa walked towards her and put her arms around her in comfort. Even though she might've been the worst friend ever for not being there these last three days, she was here now and that's all that mattered. Raven finally allowed herself to break down. Lexa kept staying there, consoling her old friend. She felt surprisingly calm. She felt as if Anya was here making sure she was calm so she could console Raven for her. She had to be the strong one.

 

/-/

"His name is Lincoln and he takes classes in martial arts which is quite cool" Octavia rambled excitedly. Clarke listened to her friend crush on the guy who she had only recently met.

"He said I should go to one of the classes and see if I like it" Clarke glanced at Raven who was sitting next to Octavia, they were having lunch and ever since they had gotten their food Raven had not eaten at all. She was just staring at her food not even acknowledging Octavia's rant. Normally she would already make some kind of joke about Octavia's crush.

"Apparently he always spars with his cousin who also goes to this school but he said he'll spar with me if I tag along" Octavia grinned, also forgetting to eat her food as she was busy telling everything.

"Do you already have his number?" Clarke asked, Octavia nodded excitedly.

"Yeah, we've been texting non-stop. He uses a lot of emojis which is kind of cute" Suddenly Raven pushed her food away from her and stood up. She grabbed her bag and just walked away from out of nowhere without saying anything.

"Raven?" Clarke said confused just before Raven disappeared. Octavia and Clarke both shared a confused look, what's up with her. This was not something Raven would do at all, only if something is wrong, very wrong.

"is she okay?" Octavia asked as if Clarke knew the answer, which she didn't. It surprised her, normally if something was wrong Raven would tell her about it immediately but today that did not seem the case. Clarke had a bad feeling about this though, she really wanted to check up on her friend but she didn't know if Raven wanted anyone near her right now.

"No clue, should we check up on her?" Clarke wondered out loud. She drew her phone out her pocket and typed a message in the groupschat with Raven, Octavia and herself.

 

**Clarke: Raven, are you ok???**

 

Octavia decided to type something as well.

**Octavia: yeah we're kinda worried, where are you?**

 

 

No response, which was expected. You couldn't always expect someone to answer immediately.

  
Clarke tried to brainstorm about what happened, last time they had seen her was yesterday but afterwards they had texted until Raven had said Lexa came into the dorm and then she stopped texting. She frowned, had Lexa something to do with this?

Octavia seemed to think the same thing: "Do you think something happened with Lexa?"

Clarke didn't want to admit this outloud but she honestly did not believe Lexa would hurt Raven... Then again Lexa had abandoned Clarke without even leaving a message so who was she to tell what Lexa would and wouldn't do. 

"I want to check up on her but-" Clarke cut herself off not wanting to sound selfish in this moment. 

"You don't want to walk into Lexa if we visit Raven at her dorm" Octavia seemed to read Clarke's mind. Clarke just nodded, feeling selfish. Raven was her best friend and she shouldn't let a stupid ex stop her from checking up on Raven. 

"I have a bad feeling about this though, so fuck Lexa. We need to check up on Raven. You know how she got when her mom abandoned her a few years ago" Clarke decided, knowing Raven should not be left alone when emotional. Raven had the tendency of ignoring all her feelings and not telling anyone about it... oh and using alcohol to drink away all the feelings. 

Octavia nodded: "we do not want a repeat of her mom situation" 

they both put away their leftover food, not being hungry anymore anyway. They walked through campus to where they knew Raven's dorm to be. With every step Clarke took she felt the anxiety build up in her chest. She did not want to walk into Lexa.

"Let's hope we find her in her dorm happily doing something she likes" Clarke silently said as they approached the door.

Octavia knocked on the door and they waited. No one responded.

"Raven?" Octavia called out before knocking again, it had happened before that Raven had earphones in and simply did not hear them knock on the door. 

"Raven?" Clarke called out this time, then they heard a bang from behind the door as if something fell. 

Octavia and Clarke looked at each other confused, was that Raven? Clarke really started to worry now, what is something huge had happened that had pushed Raven to the edge.

"Raven! Come on, open the door. We heard you" Clarke called out knocking on the door once more. She prayed to god that it indeed was Raven she heard and not Lexa. 

"Raven, please. If this is anything like the situation with your mom we're here for you" Octavia tried, Clarke sent her a look. 

"What?"

"is it smart to bring up her mom if you don't know what mood she's in?" Clarke whispered not wanting Raven to hear. Octavia now realized what she did wrong.

"Well, at least she knows we're here to-" Octavia was cut off when the door opened.

Clarke froze. Instead of Raven, Lexa had opened the door. Their eyes locked.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to keep you guys hanging like this! what do you think will happen? Also where the heck went Raven???


	4. a promise unknown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa meet for the first time in years! :)

Lexa sat at her desk, reading through the notes she made today during her classes when Raven suddenly entered their dorm. Lexa looked up at her, knowing that she dropped a huge bomb on her yesterday and even though they haven't really been friends these last years she was worried. Raven seemed surprisingly calm though.

"I'm going to the supermarket, do you need anything?" Raven asked, her face showing no emotions. She grabbed her purse that laid on her bed.

"No thanks"

Raven started to head out again but Lexa quickly stopped her. 

"Are you okay Raven?" She gave her friend a genuine look. Lexa already knew the answer to the question as she knew the feeling all too well. Raven was most definitely not okay, just like Lexa had not been okay since Anya had passed away. Even now she wasn't sure she was okay.

"I'm going to go to her after the supermarket so I might be gone awhile" Raven told her ignoring what Lexa had asked. Lexa just nodded and watched as her old friend exited the room again leaving her alone. Lexa turned back to her notes, she felt guilty about making Raven sad but at the end of the day, Anya's death wasn't her fault and Raven needed to know. Anya would want her to know about it.

"I'll look after her An" Lexa whispered silently as if Anya was in the room with her. She spaced out for a bit thinking about Anya before a loud knock on the door abrupted her mind. Lexa frowned, did Raven forget her key? She waited hoping that whoever it was said something so she would hopefully recognize the person. What if it's one of Nia's spies and they've found her?

"Raven?" A voice called out from behind the door just before there was another knock. Lexa felt herself relax, it was only Octavia. Lexa stood up from her desk wanting to go over and open the door when another voice called out.

"Raven?" it was Clarke. 

No, no, no this wasn't happening. She couldn't be near Clarke. This could be dangerous. Lexa's head seemed to be stuck on a loop of not wanting this to happen when her thoughts got interrupted by a huge bang. Lexa looked at the ground where a book was. She hadn't realized she accidentally knocked a book off her desk. Unfortunately, it had made a noise which the new visitors had heard as well.

"Raven! Come on, open the door. We heard you" Lexa heard Clarke all out, she felt shivers over her body. What should she do? They had heard her now so there's no point pretending there wasn't anybody... but what if someone is spying on her door and see Lexa interact with Clarke? 

Lexa shook her head trying to stop this overthinking that was happening. 

"Raven, please. If this is anything like the situation with your mom we're here for you" then something clicked inside Lexa's mind. Something huge that she hadn't realized before. 

"Shit!" Lexa cursed silently. She knew all about Raven's mom situation, it happened the first year Lexa and Clarke had started dating. Raven had the tendency to hide away her feelings and drink a lot of alcohol... in one situation it even spawled out of control big time and Lexa definitely did not want that to happen again. 

She had been so stupid, of course, the Anya thing would affect Raven big time.  

Before Lexa had realized it she had opened the door, her eyes immediately locked with Clarke.

"I-" Lexa was at loss of words. Clarke was even beautiful than she remembered her to be. Her nerves took over and she shut her mouth. Calm down Lexa, she told herself. 

She was still staring at Clarke when Octavia suddenly put herself in between the two, as if she wanted to protect Clarke from whatever Lexa would do.

Octavia crossed her arms. "Do you know where Raven is?" 

Lexa flinched at how harsh her words sounded but she could've expected this.

"At the supermarket" 

Without a thank you Octavia turned around and pushed Clarke with her away from the door. Lexa watched as they walked through the hallway, she needed to say something.

She had to tell them about Raven and Anya... 

"Wait" Lexa called out, surprising herself that she actually said something. Clarke immediately stopped but Octavia continued walking until she realized Clarke had stopped. 

Clarke looked at Lexa, as if she was waiting for an apology or something... which Lexa should give. But not now.

"I think this might be worse than Raven's mom situation" Lexa said honestly, because it was worse... much worse. 

Something seemed to change in Clarke's eyes, at first her expression had been emotionless but now it changed into anger.

 

"What did you do?" Clarke called out from the end of the hallway, her voice sounded very angry. Both girls stormed back to Lexa and if Lexa didn't know it better she actually thought they were both about to do something regretful.

"I didn't do anything" Lexa immediately shot back defending herself. Both girls just watched her expectantly, anger in their eyes.

Lexa sighed, "it's Anya"

"What about her" Octavia seemed to be angry now too. The fact that Lexa had abandoned Clarke years ago wasn't really helping this situation either. 

"I-"Could she tell about Anya again, she had already done it yesterday and that had been emotionally draining, could she really bring herself to go through that hell again.

"I can't tell you" 

"Well thank you for nothing then" Octavia sarcastically said, it looked like she wanted to walk away again. Lexa had not come this far to let it all slide.

"I can show you" Now Lexa had the attention of both girls. This was not going to go well. Lexa quickly grabbed a coat from inside her room and made sure she closed off the door. 

"We need to go to Raven" Clarke suddenly said, as if she realized this was getting off topic. 

"Yeah, what has the thing with Anya to do with where Raven is right now. We should probably check on the supermarket" Octavia agreed, glaring at Lexa. Damn she really was angry with Lexa. 

 

"You'll see for yourself" Lexa shrugged, she started to walk through the hallway, quickly realizing the girls weren't following her. She turned back to them "Either join me and go to Raven or figure it out all by yourself" It might've sounded a little harsh but she really needed them to understand the situation. 

With clear annoyance, the girls decided to join Lexa. Within a few minutes, they were outside walking towards what Lexa knew was the cemetery. Octavia was walking in the middle clearly wanting to distance Lexa from Clarke. 

In some other world Anya would be alive and Lexa would be with Clarke living a happy life but unfortunately, this was not that life. 

Nobody talked and the tension seemed to be growing every second. Lexa absolutely hated it, she just wanted to apologize to Clarke and try to repair all the harm that she has done, but she couldn't. Not when Nia was still free, not when there possibly were people that are spying on Lexa out to hurt the people she loves. She couldn't risk it.

They quickly reached the cemetery, Lexa could see that the anger had slowly faded away in the girls and had been replaced by curiousity, and possibly fear. Fear for what knowledge they were about to gain. 

They walked past a lot of graves, Lexa quickly spotted Raven sitting in front of Anya's grave, she was drinking from a bottle of wine. 

Lexa suddenly stopped gaining the attention from Clarke and Octavia.

"There's Raven" Lexa nodded towards the girl a small 30 feet away from them. Clarke nodded eyes focused on her best friend. 

Without saying anything Lexa turned around to go back to her dorm.

"Where are you going?" Clarke called out confused. 

Lexa stopped and turned around once more.

"She needs you, not me" With that she made her way out of the cemetery. 

Once back at her dorm she put on some sports clothes. Her mind was a mess, Clarke was all she could think about. She went over to the gym and starting to do some exercises, she pushed her body to the max.

 

/-/

 

"Where are you going?"Clarke called out confused, she watched as Lexa walked away from her. To Clarke's surprise, she stopped and turned around, giving what Clarke could only describe as the most heartbreaking look.

"She needs you, not me" Lexa turned away from her and made her way out of the cemetery. Clarke cursed her, of course she would leave her again. What a surprise. 

Seeing Lexa again for the first time in years had been shocking for Clarke. Lexa did not seem okay at all. She was terrifyingly thin, her cheekbones in her face seemed sharper than ever which Clarke found very beautiful if it had not been for the huge bags that were below her eyes aswell. It looked like Lexa had not slept in days.

In short Lexa looked like a complete an utter mess. A stranger would say that Lexa might just seem a little tired, but no. Clarke knew Lexa... or at least hoped she knew Lexa and she saw through Lexa's façade. Lexa was not okay. 

Clarke did not know what had happened and there was an overwhelming feeling of worry that was eating away at her. But there was also the anger and disappointment, Lexa had hurt her she could not forgive the girl just because she wasn't ok. 

Plus now Lexa seemed to be more mysterious than ever. 

Clarke decided to put away all those thoughts and focus on Raven. She shared a worried look with Octavia before they walked towards their best friend. She did not know who the grave belonged too but she was sure she was about to find out.

"Raven?" Clarke called out. Raven's head turned around to them, she looked surprised. There were tear stains on her face, she had been crying. 

"What are you guys doing here?" Raven asked, Octavia and Clarke stared at her dumbfounded, did she really just ask that.

"We're here for you, Lexa said-" Clarke's eyes fell on the gravestone in front of Raven.

It had Anya's name on it.

Below Anya's name was her death date... the date Clarke had last seen Lexa before Lexa disappeared. 

Right there and then Clarke's heart broke for the second time in her life.

Now Clarke was at loss of words.

"Not Anya" Octavia whispered shocked as well. Raven silently nodded with new tears in her eyes. Octavia and Clarke sat down next to Raven. Raven immediately laid her head on Clarke's shoulder and cried silent tears. 

Clarke had not expected this at all. From all the people in the world and Anya was one of the ones who died very young.

She can't even imagine how Anya's death affected Lexa. They had not only been sisters but best friends. Lexa and Anya had been really close. Lexa's world probably came crashing down on her the moment Anya had died.

It suddenly made sense, why Lexa looked like a mess. But would this actually be the reason? Anya had been dead for three years which meant Lexa had a lot of time to move on... if she moved on. 

Clarke's eyes started to water now too. She can't even imagine how Raven must be feeling. The girl who she had the biggest crush on and even went on a date with had suddenly died. They all had known Anya for years though. When Clarke and Lexa had started dating Lexa quickly introduced Anya to the group. From then on they hung out for years. They hung out until... well they thought until Lexa and Anya abandoned them but it turns out until Anya died... what Lexa did after that was a mystery.

Life wasn't fair.

Everything started to make so much sense yet at the same time she had many many more questions. 

The three friends stayed there, in front of the grave for hours. Either in silence or telling their favorite memories with Anya to each other. That day, all of them felt like a mess. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. before the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa goes sparring and her cousin invites a girl who Lexa knows all too well.  
> And Lexa tries to get her new friend a date for a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a lighter chapter before we continue with the dark stuff.  
> I hope you all enjoy it.

Lexa walked up towards her trainer. She couldn't wait to start sparring. These martial arts classes really were a good way for Lexa to cope with everything she was feeling.

"Hey, Have you seen my cousin?" She asked Roan. He sent her a small smile before he nodded towards something behind her. Lexa looked around and saw Lincoln standing in a corner with no one other than Octavia. She did not expect that.

 

"Seems like he got a new girlfriend" Roan winked before he walked away to talk to a few other people who had just walked into the room. Lexa made her way over to her cousin. When Lincoln spotted her his eyes lit up.

 

"Octavia! This is my cousin Alycia" He introduced Octavia to Lexa. There was a clear surprise in Octavia's eyes.

 

"But that's Lexa" Octavia said oblivious and really confused. Lincoln's eyes widened before he sent Lexa a worried look.

 

"She's one of Clarke's friends" Lexa explained to him. Lincoln seemed to think for a minute, probably processing what was happening. He knew all about what happened with Clarke and how she had two best friends called Raven and Octavia. He hadn't realized it was this Octavia, what were the chances. He was dating one of Lexa's old friends.

 

"I thought you told us you didn't have any cousins" Octavia suddenly said to Lexa, crossing her arms. Lexa just rolled her eyes.

 

"I didn't know I had a cousin until they picked me up one day" Lexa vaguely described not wanting to say how they picked her up at the hospital a few weeks after Anya had passed away. Apparently, Lexa's mom had had a sister named Indra but they never talked, Lexa's mom hadn't even told Lexa nor Anya about it. When Indra was informed by Titus how Anya and Lexa's parents had passed away in a car crash, Anya was old enough to live by herself and as she was an adult during that time she took care of Lexa for two years before Anya herself passed away.

Since then Indra took Lexa in.

 

"Wait why did Lincoln call you Alycia" Octavia continued to answer.  This time Lincoln got a little protective.

"Don't call her by her other name please"

 

Octavia frowned "Why not? It's her name?"

Lexa sighed, this whole 'fake name' thing wasn't going well with Octavia at all. She didn't want to tell her old friend about the witness protection program she's in that forces her to live under a fake name.

 

"I'll explain later" Lincoln promised Octavia which seemed to satisfy her a little. Lexa sent her cousin a Dont-You-Dare-Tell-Anything Look, Lincoln just nodded. He knew what was at stake.

 

Everyone gathered around Roan as he finally decided to start the class. They all started with a few easy exercises, after that they could spar.

Lexa knew Lincoln would spar with Octavia which meant that she lost her sparring buddy. She asked Roan if he wanted to spar with her, thankfully he didn't mind.

  
"How's the study going" Roan asked while throwing a punch her way that Lexa narrowingly dodged. 

"Good enough" Lexa tried kicking him behind his knees but he saw her coming and quickly jumped away. Roan was good in sparring, Lexa knew that.

"What do you do again?" Roan tried punching her again but this time Lexa grabbed his arm and bend it around his back. Normally this would trap someone but Roan was used to this stuff so he knew how to get out of it. A second later he was free.

"I study law" Lexa explained dodging another attack. 

"Oh so if I ever get in trouble I could ask you to be my lawyer?" Roan grinned, Lexa nodded. 

"Sure, if you can afford me" Lexa smiled. Roan rolls his eyes jokingly and goes in for another attack, again Lexa manages to dodge him. Lexa deduces that Roan needs a few seconds to gather breath before attacking again. Her eyes shoot towards Lincoln and Octavia, they are talking about something as well and Lexa hoped they weren't talking about her. 

Roan used this distraction to quickly kick Lexa against her knees. Her legs give out and she tumbles to the ground, a second later Roan is on top of her. She can't move. He has won.

"Good game" Lexa groaned, Roan helps her up. There's a reason why he's the teacher here, Lexa hadn't expected to win anyway. 

Once the class was over Lincoln and Octavia were gone before Lexa even realized it, she had wanted to ask Lincoln not to tell Octavia certain things but it seems like she was too late. 

 

-

 

During class Lexa tries to pay attention to the teacher but she keeps getting distracted by her new friend. She had met Monty a few days ago and they immediately became friends.    

"Alycia" Monty whispers so nobody else can hear it. 

Lexa looks at Monty with a raised eyebrow, it feels good that at least someone calls her by her fake name. It calms Lexa's anxiety about there possibly being a spy sent by Nia. 

"Do you understand that whole last bit?" 

He really doesn't understand what the teacher is trying to teach? For Lexa everything was easy but Monty seemed to have difficulty with it. 

"I'll explain later" Lexa whispers back, Monty nods gratefully. 

"For the next few weeks, you'll be working on a big project. The grade will be one-third of your entire grade from this year so don't mess this up" Their teacher calls out. The entire class groans simultaneously, nobody is up for a big important project.

"To make it a little easier you can pair up with someone" the teacher continues, Lexa looks at Monty who nods. They didn't even have to talk but they already agreed to work together on a project, friendship is great like that. 

The teacher lets everyone brainstorm with their project partner for ideas, which means everyone is just talking to each other. 

"Have you already asked Harper out?" Lexa asks Monty when she catches him staring at a girl she has seen before. Monty looks at her awkwardly "I don't think she's interested"

Lexa frowns "Why do you think that?"

"My friends are hosting a party next week and she's bringing John Murphy as her date" Monty signs sadly. Lexa looks around the class, she sees Harper and coincidentally she seems to be doing her project with Murphy. She honestly never thought they would make a good duo. 

"Who's your date?" Lexa decides to ask Monty.

"I don't have a date, I will probably just show up with my best friend Jasper if he doesn't have a date either" her friend shrugs. Lexa feels kind of bad for her friend, he clearly likes Harper but she seems to be interested in someone else. 

"What if I'm your date?" Lexa suddenly asks. Monty's eyes shoot up to hers.   
"Wait, what? I don't.. uh.. Harper..." Monty awkwardly stumbles over his words. 

Lexa rolls her eyes "Not like that idiot! Just as friends, maybe it'll make her jealous or something" she can hear it in her words that it sounds like a bad excuse, Lexa hasn't gone to a party in years and she honestly wanted to go to one.

"That's a good idea!" Monty agrees, he gives her a high five. 

"My friends are going to be so surprised! I'm texting them now that I have a date" Monty excitedly says, he pulls his phone from his pocket and starts to type away. 

Meanwhile, Lexa decides to stop thinking about the party and focus on the project as it's a very important one.

She doesn't realize how next to her Monty is texting Clarke and Octavia that he has found a date for their party

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Octavia's party is the next chapter! Will this go well??


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa goes to a party not realizing Clarke is the one hosting it.... and Clarke wants some answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked me if Clexa is endgame and YES CLEXA IS ENDGAME.   
> Also, this story will be a slow burn so buckle in for a long ride.   
> Something else that's good to know is that there will be flashbacks to the day Anya died and the aftermath of that day. You'll see both Lexa AND Clarke's POV in these flashbacks, prepare for emotional dark stuff.

Lexa knocked on Monty's door. She had been running a bit late and she hoped Monty didn't mind. Lexa hadn't known what kind of party she was going to so she decided to dress casually. It wasn't like she was trying to impress someone anyway.

The door flew open revealing a guy with a huge grin on his face... this was not Monty. Is she in the correct place?

 

"You must be Monty's date!" the guy called out excitedly, he went in to hug her. Lexa froze, she didn't know the guy, what was he doing?

 The guy didn't seem to notice it and when he exited the hug he smiled "Monty's friends are my friends, I'm Jasper by the way"

Ah so this was the famous Jasper, Monty's best friend.

 

"Is it Alycia?" A voice called out from inside the room.

 

"Yup!" Jasper said popping the p, he let Lexa inside the room. It didn't surprise her that the room was a complete mess. Clothes were lying all over the floor, gaming controllers and books were also everywhere. Lexa could definitely not live in a room like this, it made her glad that Raven didn't like a huge mess either.

Monty was hastily walking around his room trying to find something.

 

"Hey" Lexa greeted him, he looked up for a second and sent her a smile.

 

"Hey! I'm trying to find my phone" he continued looking all over the room, Lexa shared a knowing look with Jasper. They watched as Monty slowly got desperate for his phone while he was holding it.

"What's in your hand," Lexa asked after a few minutes. Monty rolled his eyes "There's nothing in my h-" he looked at his hand, he had been holding his phone the whole time.

"Wow" he laughed to himself before pocketing his phone. He turned towards Lexa "I'm ready now"

Lexa nodded and walked back to the door, Monty followed her.

 

"Are you joining us Jasper?" Monty asked just before they left. Lexa looked at Monty's friend expectantly, he looked like a fun guy to party with, she wouldn't mind him tagging along.

 

"No, I think Maya will be here soon" he said. Monty nodded.

 

"See you there then!"

once the door closed Monty turned towards Lexa with a huge grin "Jasper has the biggest crush on Maya"

before Lexa could answer a muffled voice called out from behind the door "I can still hear you"

"I know you can" Monty yelled back laughing.

 

The party was nearby, two students were hosting it. Lexa had no clue how they got permission as it's near impossible to host a party on campus ground but apparently, they managed to do it. If Monty's friends were anything like Jasper and him then Lexa knew they must be fun people to hang out with.

Once they were in the hallway where the party was being held they could immediately hear music coming from one of the rooms. The door was open and both of them could just walk in. The room wasn't that big but nevertheless, there was room for about 20 people, maybe even more.

Lexa's eyes scanned all over the room, she recognized some classmates including Harper and Murphy.

Her eyes locked with Lincoln who was sitting on a couch next to Octavia. Once her cousin noticed her he immediately got up and walked towards Lexa.

 

"Alycia" he said surprised, Monty gave Lexa a confused look. He wouldn’t have expected for Lexa to be friendly with a guy like Lincoln.

 

"Monty this is my cousin Lincoln" Lexa introduced him. Monty smiled and shook Lincoln's hand.

 

"Nice to meet you" Lincoln politely smiled at him before turning serious and looking at Lexa.

 

"What are you doing here?"

 

"I'm Monty's date" Lexa shrugged. Lincoln quickly looked around the room which confused Lexa, what or who was he looking for? The tension quickly seemed to rise.

 

"I'll get us some drinks" Monty awkwardly said when he sensed Lincoln needed to talk to Lexa alone. Lexa nodded at him with a small smile.

 

"You know this is Clarke's party right?" Lincoln explained to her, making sure his voice was low. As if they couldn't talk about this while surrounded by many people.

Lexa froze, Clarke was the one hosting the party? She thought Monty had said some friends of his were hosting it, which means...

She looked around the room until she spotted the table filled with drinks. Monty was standing beside it talking to no one other than Clarke. As if the blonde could sense her stare she looked up at her and their eyes locked. Time seemed to stop while in reality, only a few seconds had passed before Monty noticed Clarke wasn't paying any attention to him anymore. Once he noticed she was looking at Lexa he excitedly turned towards Lexa as well and tried to wave her over.

This was not happening.

 

"Lincoln give me an excuse to leave now" Lexa eagerly whispered to her cousin who caught on to what was happening. 

"Uh" He tried to think of something, Lexa looked back at Clarke who wasn't looking at her anymore but was now talking to Monty. She genuinely liked having a friend who didn't know about her past, who called her by her cover name. It was like getting a new chance at life, yet Lexa felt like all of that was ruined now. It wouldn't take long before Clarke would tell Monty about who Lexa really is, what her real name is. Lexa hadn't known Monty long enough to guess how he would react to this news. 

  
"What are you doing here?" A voice called out bitterly, Lexa looked back and noticed Octavia standing in front of her next to Lincoln.   
"O-" Lincoln started before Lexa interrupted him.

"I was invited" 

Octavia crossed her arms and gave her a suspicious look.  
"Who invited you"

Things were getting really awkward now and the tension was rising. Lexa knew Octavia didn't like her after everything that had happened in the past. 

"Monty"  Lexa told her old friend, Octavia nodded and just walked away without saying anything. Lexa watched as she barged over to Monty who was still talking to Clarke. She felt bad, Monty didn't know any of this and he probably was being interrogated right now. 

Lexa sighed, Lincoln gave her a worried look.

"I should go" an overwhelming feeling of sadness rose in her body, she had been looking forward to going to a party. To just for one evening forget everything and have a good time. Now she would go back to her empty dorm and be lonely once more. She was used to the darkness by now but nevertheless, she tried to find a way around it at all costs.

"I'm sorry" Lincoln apologized, he knew Lexa's whole backstory and wished he could do anything about it. Lexa knew he had gotten his rules from Titus as well. He was here to protect Lexa, and for her to have a familiar face around. He knew the risks of Lexa talking to anyone from her past. 

"See you around" Lexa sent him a sad smile before turning around and walking out the dorm room, so much for wanting to go to a party.

 

-

 

The party had been Clarke and Octavia's idea to cheer Raven up. They knew Raven loved to party. Before the party started Clarke and Octavia made sure to make a deal with her not to drink that much alcohol. They didn't know if Raven would break the deal or not so Clarke and her friend made sure to look out for Raven during the party. 

This party was for Raven, and Clarke knew somewhere back in her mind that this party was for Anya too, to honor her memory. Yet the last part was never said out loud to anyone. The three friends just knew it but for anyone else, this was just a normal party.

The evening was going well, Clarke was standing beside the table with drinks. She tactically chose this place, now everytime Raven would get something to drink Clarke knew about it. She also had a good view around the room from here. She could overlook the whole room without that many people noticing her. 

The blond poured herself another drink when she noticed a friend walking towards her.

"Hey Monty, where is your date?" she greeted excitingly, Monty had been talking about his date none stop for these last couple of days. It surprised Clarke, she always thought he had a crush on Harper. Yet this new Alycia girl seemed to be more exciting for Monty.

"Have you seen Harper?" Monty interrupted her instead, Clarke smirked. Maybe he liked Harper after all.

"I don't think she arrived yet"   
Monty nodded and started to pour some drinks himself.

"My date is with this guy named Lincoln" Monty nodded towards Lexa and her cousin who were still standing close to the door. Clarke's eyes trailed over towards them, she froze when her eyes locked with Lexa's. Monty didn't seem to notice it though.

"I didn't know she has this very fit looking cousin, I'm pretty sure he can beat up anyone who hurts her" her friends shrugged obliviously. Clarke was still staring at Lexa, what was she doing here? and why was she Monty's date? Clarke felt a pang of jealousy run through her, she thought Lexa only liked women.   
By now Monty realized Clarke was staring, he looked towards his date as well.

"I'll introduce you guys" He smiled, he excitedly waved towards Lexa that she should come over. Instead, Lexa broke the stare and Clarke watched as she hastily said something to Lincoln, it looked like she was about to have a panic attack. Clarke frowned, she towards back towards Monty.

"You know who she is right?" Clarke started not sure about how Monty would react.

"Of course I know who she is, otherwise she wouldn't be my friend," Monty said oblivious to who Lexa really is.  
  


"Then you know she's Lexa? My ex-girlfriend?" It still hurt Clarke to tell people about her ex, especially now she was in a room with her. She watched as Monty's happy mood got replaced by a confused one.

"Her name is Alycia" He said more to convince himself than to convince Clarke. She didn't know why Lexa told people her name is Alycia. Clarke felt bad for Monty, of all the people he could invite to the party he invited Lexa, her ex. Luck really wasn't on his side.

"Monty do you know what you've done" A new voice called out, Clarke watched as Octavia randomly showed up from out of nowhere. Monty's eye widened in surprise.

"Clarke just told me, I didn't know" He quickly put his hands up in defense. 

"How dare she show her face at Clarke's party" Octavia sounded very angry. It surprised Clarke how calm she felt. She was angry at Lexa, she had been angry for years. But there was also so much sadness and questions. Clarke never got to move on, maybe today was her chance.

"I didn't tell her who was hosting the party," Monty said defending Lexa. Octavia just scoffed. Clarke dared to look back at Lincoln and... wait where was Lexa?

"She's gone" Clarke breathed, Octavia gave her a worried look. She had heard those words from Clarke way too many times. The words always seem to be about Lexa, she hated it.

Before Clarke knew what she was doing she was walking over to Lincoln.

"Where's Lexa?"

Lincoln's eyes widened and he quickly scanned the room with his eyes.

"Don't say her name in public" He whispered. Clarke just rolled her eyes. She felt like she was in a cheap movie and Lincoln was just a bad actor they hired. He couldn't be more obvious about whatever he was hiding. 

"Where is she?" She continued. Lincoln gave her a suspicious look as if he was trying to identify who she is.

"You're Clarke right?" Lincoln crossed his arms, Clarke and Lincoln had never met, Clarke had only known about him from Octavia and vice versa Lincoln had only known Clarke through Octavia and Lexa. 

"Yes, I'm Clarke, who are you?" Clarke knew exactly who he was, yet she wanted to hear him say it. With her eyes she dared him to tell her that he was Lexa's cousin.

"Ah Clarke Griffin, we finally meet. I have heard many stories about you" He stated, it was weird. As if Lincoln knew way more about Clarke then she did about him. Then suddenly Clarke realized, she had never told him her last name.  " I'm Lincoln, Alycia's cousin" 

Clarke was slowly starting to get enough of this, she just wanted to talk to Lexa. She needed some answers. Especially now Lexa apparently had a cousin. All Lexa had told Clarke years earlier was that the only family she had was Anya. She had apparently lied then. Clarke shouldn't be surprised by all the new information she had gotten these last few days. But it hurt her, it hurt her so bad. 

She honestly thought she knew who Lexa was, they used to share everything together. But it turns out Lexa was just sharing lies. Why didn't Lexa trust Clarke with the truth?

"I need to talk to Le- Alycia" Clarke didn't know why she used Lexa's fake name - if it even was a fake name, maybe Lexa had been the fake name - 

"I can't let you do that" by now Octavia and Monty had joined. Octavia turned on her puppy eyes. They all knew Octavia had an effect on Lincoln even if he didn't want to admit it. 

"Come on Linc, let Clarke talk to her. It has been years" She tried. Lincoln sighed.   
"You have no idea how complicated this situation is. I can't just allow you to talk to her" Lincoln admitted, he actually looked at Clarke with sorrow in his eyes. It confused the blonde even more. What was even going on?

"Good thing you don't decide for me then," Clarke said annoyed, she pushed herself past the guy. To her surprise, he didn't do anything. He just let her walk. Once she was at the door she heard his voice behind her.

"Just don't let anyone see you"

Clarke turned around confused, she looked at Lincoln who looked like he was having a huge inner battle with himself. 

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me if anyone sees you with her. Please" She frowned, the questions only seemed to multiply at this point. 

"Fine" she agreed if it meant easing Lincoln's worry. She turned back and walked out of the dorm room. She didn't know where Lexa was. She only knew the girl wasn't in the dorm room, maybe Lexa went back to her own room? Clarke walked through the hallways, just looking for the girl. She didn't know what she would even say to Lexa once she had found her - if she found her - 

Clarke was feeling so many feelings; anger, disappointment, sadness, curiosity and even more. The longer she looked for Lexa the more she started to doubt her action. Why was she chasing after a girl who had left her years ago, a girl who didn't even want to see her? Chasing a girl who had lied to her. Clarke knew she still loved Lexa, how could she not? Her heart was bursting with love for the brunette. Yet at the same time, Clarke was rational, she wasn't going to make the same mistake and get heartbroken again.

She just wanted answers so she could properly move on and leave everything behind, that's all. 

Clarke came to an abrupt stop when she heard voices.

"I'm here for the dorm party," an unknown voice said. Clarke knew it came from just around the corner.

"Oh cool, I'm sure you'll have fun," Lexa's voice said, Clarke recognized it immediately. Lexa was talking to someone. Clarke had second thoughts, maybe she should just go back to the party and leave Lexa alone. Thankfully her legs moved before she could properly rethink everything and before she knew it she had rounded the corner and came face to face to Lexa and an unknown guy.

They both looked up distracted, Clarke noticed Lexa froze when she saw her. 

"Lexa, can I talk to you?" Clarke asked. Lexa's eyes widened at the mention of her name. The guy next to her gave Lexa a confused look. 

"Who's Lexa?"

Suddenly Clarke remembered how she shouldn't call Lexa by her real name, shit. She hadn't meant to do that it had just slipped out. The blond felt really uncomfortable, maybe this had been a mistake after all.

"My twin sister is named Lexa, I'm sure she's just confused," Lexa told the man, now it was Clarke's turn to be confused. Lexa didn't have a twin? She decided just to play along.

"Oh sorry Alycia, I thought you were Lexa." Clarke lied, she didn't know if the guy believed her but at least she had tried. He gave both Clarke and Lexa a suspicious look, Lexa just gave him an awkward smile.

"I didn't know you have a twin sister"

"I don't like talking about her, Lexa cut herself off from my family. She's the outsider" Lexa shrugged, Clarke couldn't help but feel like Lexa was actually talking about herself.

"I'm sorry I asked" The guy apologized.   
"Don't worry about it. Anyway, I should probably go now. I've got stuff to do" Lexa smiled to the guy, he nodded in return and said goodbye before walking away. Clarke stood there awkwardly, waiting for the guy to be gone. She watched her ex-girlfriend. Lexa's eyes trailed after the guy to make sure he was gone. Once he was gone Lexa's expressionless face grew into an angry one.

"What the hell Clarke! You can't just call me by that name" Lexa was pissed, this wasn't going like planned at all.

"I'm sorry! It's not my fault that you suddenly go by a different name" Clarke shot back, now it was her turn to sent Lexa a glare. The anger that had been waiting inside of her for years was slowly bubbling up inside of her.

"Just be glad it was Roan if it had been anyone else I-" Lexa stopped herself. Clarke kept on glaring. "You what?"

Lexa seemed to be gathering her thoughts. 

"That's none of your business" 

Clarke rolled her eyes, ofcourse it wasn't.

"You can't expect me to call you by a different name and then not give an explanation for it."

Clarke watched as Lexa was having an inner battle inside of her. The brunette just stared at Clarke, not even glaring just staring.

"Clarke" her voice was surprisingly soft, it made Clarke's glare disappear and it was replaced by worry now. 

"We can't be here. Nobody can see us" Lexa continued.

"That Roan guy saw us" it came out harsher than Clarke meant for it to be.

"We can trust Roan" Lexa stated. Clarke crossed her arms, she wanted to ask so many questions but she didn't know if Lexa would honestly answer them all. Where should she even start? Then she suddenly realized something else.

"I'm sorry for Anya" Clarke watched carefully, Lexa's face was expressionless but Clarke could see in her eyes that there was so much hurt. What had happened to Lexa?

"Clarke?" Her voice was monotone, Clarke eagerly nodded. Was Lexa going to apologize now? Or at least tell Clarke more?

"Can you leave me alone from now on?"

the words hit Clarke like a truck, Lexa was telling HER to leave Lexa alone? She was the one who wanted answers just to move on. She hated to admit it had also been a reason to see Lexa, but apparently, she couldn't do that anymore.

"Leave me alone like you did that day?" Clarke shot back, feeling incredibly hurt. Lexa flinched.

"Yes"

"I thought I knew you but it turns out you're just another stranger" Clarke felt so hurt, tears were gathering in her eyes but she quickly blinked them away. Lexa's face was still as expressionless as ever.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" The brunette turned around and Clarke watched as the girl just walked away into the hallway. The moment she was gone Clarke felt one single tear roll down her cheek. She really felt like she had lost Lexa forever. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friendly reminder that Roan is Nia's son in the show ;-)
> 
> Also I feel bad for Clarke because she's trying so hard but Lexa is just shutting her out. but fear not! Lexa has good reason to do that and it won't last forever. This is their deepest point, from here on out it can only get better... right?


	7. For The First Time in Forever

Even though she had told Clarke to stay away from her, she still saw Clarke nearly every day. It felt as if karma was bouncing back on her.  
Being so harsh towards Clarke had been really difficult for Lexa, that night she wished Clarke wouldn't listen to her and still tried to start a conversation with Lexa whenever.  
Instead Raven got a fever, Lexa tried to help her with whatever she wanted as she felt bad for the girl, but Raven being sick also meant that Octavia and Clarke were in Lexa's room every day to care for Raven.  
Lexa was pretty sure Octavia and Clarke made a deal together to not talk to Lexa as they always ignored her even if Lexa said something, only Raven was talking to her and she was really glad for that. She didn't know why Raven wasn't angry with her, she thought after telling her about Anya whatever was left of their friendship had gone but instead Raven really tried to include Lexa.

It had been two weeks since Clarke's party, and even though Clarke always seemed to be in Lexa's room, Lexa discovered it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be.  
Raven, Clarke, and Octavia were watching a movie on Raven's laptop while Lexa was sitting on her bed revising some schoolwork. She had earphones in to block out the noise coming from the laptop. Focusing on schoolwork had been Lexa's escape these last few years when she was concentrating on studying she managed to not think about Anya or Clarke, this is why she managed to get good grades and eventually go to the college she was in now.  
Suddenly Lexa felt something bump against her, distracted she looked up from her book at Raven, she noticed a pillow laying on the ground. Raven had thrown a pillow towards her.  
Confused she took out her earphones,

"There's someone at the door," Raven said nodding towards the door. Octavia and Clarke didn't look up from the movie they were watching.  
If Raven hadn't had a fever she would tell the girl to open the door herself but she knew Raven really did not feel well enough to leave her bed yet.  
With a sigh, Lexa stood up and walked over towards the door.  
When she opened it her eyes widened, Titus was standing right in front of her.

"Hey Lexa, can I come in?" the man asked politely. Lexa sent him an awkward smile before she quickly looked around and saw Raven, Clarke and Octavia staring at her. They all looked very confused as to who the man was. Lexa quickly turned back towards the man who hadn't spotted the other girls yet. 

"My roommate isn't feeling well so it's better we go somewhere else" Lexa suggested, Titus nodded.  
Lexa closed the door behind her and in silence, she walked through the hallways with Titus at her side.  
Once outside the building she immediately turned towards Titus,  
"Did you catch Nia?" She eagerly asked. 

Titus shook his head no, "Not yet, we're coming close though. We arrested a bunch of her spies around this area"  
Lexa looked at him expectantly, did this mean what she thought it meant?

"I talked to Lincoln and we think that with his protection you and your friends are safe" Titus explained.  
"If you want, you can talk to Clarke and the others, try to reconnect. Just be careful"  
Lexa couldn't believe it, she had waited years for him to say that.

"Do you know if Nia is still trying to get me as well?" Lexa dared to ask, back when Anya died there were reports about Nia sending people to try and assassinate Lexa even though Lexa didn't know why. She didn't even know why they were after Anya. Maybe just the wrong place at the wrong time. 

"She hasn't done anything suspicious towards you in over a year. I think she realizes we are close to finding and arresting her. She's being careful and playing it safe" Titus said, Lexa nodded understanding the situation.  
"You don't have to worry about this anymore, we're handling it. Just enjoy your college years with your friends from now on" Titus smiled, Lexa mirrored his smile. Her life could finally go back to normal.  
"We do recommend you keep your cover name for a while, once you finished your study I'm sure it will be completely safe to change your name back to your own again"  
Lexa nodded. She didn't mind using the name Alycia. 

"I should go back to the office now, you can contact me whenever. I'll keep you updated on Nia" Titus promised her.  
Lexa nodded, "Thank you"

Titus smiled and was about to walk away when he realized something, "Oh, and even though you can talk to Clarke, don't tell her what happened that night. We don't want any more people getting involved at the moment" he put his hand up to wave goodbye before he walked away leaving Lexa standing behind. 

Lexa was still progressing everything, she could finally talk to Clarke? She could try and live a normal life again? After all these years? It felt too good to be true. Suddenly a voice took her out of her thoughts. 

"Who was he?" Clarke asked her standing in front of her. Clarke looked past her at Titus back as he was walking away. She looked very suspicious.  
Clarke had followed her? This was the first thing she had said to Lexa since the party. 

"You followed me?" Lexa asked surprised, she had gone outside with Titus to get away from Clarke and the others, to have a private conversation. 

"I don't trust him" Clarke pursed her lips together, she crossed her arms. As if she suddenly realized who she was talking to her eyes flew from Titus back towards Lexa.  
"I - Yeah I did follow you" Clarke admitted in defeat.

"You can't just follow me, he's my business, not yours" Lexa's happy mood was replaced by an annoyed one. Why did Clarke have to ruin this moment? She shouldn't be here. 

"Yeah, but-"  
"Don't. You clearly don't trust me. Stay out of my business" Lexa warned her before she walked away, Clarke shouldn't have stalked her like that. It all felt like it was going too quickly for Lexa, she wants to tell Clarke everything she really does. But it should be on her own terms, Clarke needs to trust her.  
Lexa decided to go to Anya's grave. She really couldn't return to her dorm right now. She had to think about everything.


End file.
